Chapter 14: My identity

Talking about my identity is really a headache, and it is also something that makes me quite indignant but also helpless.

Thinking about this, I lit a second cigarette. The young man who was making the medicine for me in the room looked out and gave me a look, coughing once, as if to remind me that I had smoked too much. I could only look at him apologetically, frowning and continuing to think about my thoughts.

“You can’t be Chen Chengyi anymore. To be precise, the person in the circle named Chen Chengyi is dead, he has disappeared.” This is what the female doctor told me.

“The disappearance of Chen Chengyi in the circle is not important to me at all, just as the circle is not very meaningful to me! What I care about is my social identity. I am Chen Chengyi in the eyes of my parents, relatives, and friends. Do I have to announce my death to them as well? Not to mention, how can my parents bear it?” This was my response at the time.

I didn’t mention my achievements or what I had done wrong to deserve such treatment, because that would have been a very naive question. If I had been informed, Jiangyi wouldn’t have made such a choice, at least in my opinion, and would have risked everything to save me.

“The work on your parents’ side of the organization has been done, and you have been confirmed as a missing person. But we have told your parents, through Hu Xueman, who is familiar with them, that you are actually on a secret mission and that they must not expose you. I think that having you as their son should be within their acceptance range, right?” The female doctor replied to me in this way, and then said, “As for your friends, they naturally have their own channels to find out some of the truth, don’t they?”

I let out a long sigh. If it is like this, my parents can accept it, but… At this thought, I couldn’t help but smile with a hint of sarcasm on my face: “Is this also a benefit for people who have done good deeds? Counting as helping me again?”

When I said this, the female doctor sighed, put on the glasses she had been playing with, and looked at me seriously and said, “I am a doctor, but I never treat ordinary people. Do you know why? Because I am a doctor in the circle, destined to blend in with ordinary people’s lives, but isolated from them. The department is officially a department of the state, but in fact it is independent of the state. Do you understand what I mean?”

“Well, I don’t really understand.” I said honestly.

“That is to say, it is more like two cooperating institutions. The department absolutely does not interfere in state affairs, but it also does not do anything that harms the country. What needs to be solved is only certain things on the land of China that are beyond the normal scope, which are the responsibilities of the department. To put it more simply, China has a history of thousands of years, and such institutions have always existed, but they are independent of the regime. In return, the state will not interfere in any of the department’s affairs, and will not intervene in any internal conflicts of the department. You can understand this as belonging to two different worlds. Do you understand what I mean?” The female doctor tried to explain it to me as simply as possible.

“You mean, just like the people of the ancient times, the affairs of the rivers and lakes are the affairs of the rivers and lakes, and they have nothing to do with the imperial court?” I asked with raised eyebrows.

“That’s probably what you mean, but it’s actually more complicated, right? After all, society is progressing, and they have their own departments for some mysterious events, but they are fundamentally different from our department, which is led by Jiang Yi. This kind of department can be found in every corner of the world, and the forces are intertwined. So the things you get involved in are things in the circle. To put it simply, if the big forces in the circle want to get you, the state can’t get involved! Therefore, your contribution does not need to be mentioned. The department has made great efforts to protect you and even your friends. Is this ignoring your contribution? After saying this, the female voice smiled at me, looking somewhat helpless.

But she never said explicitly that Jiang Yi’s behavior was to save me, nor did she say what the purpose of doing so was. It’s like my friends can leave without a scratch, why do I have to exist as a dead person?

“Okay, you’re being so casual about it, but I’m Li Shishu, I can still hold a government position in a country, right?” I suddenly thought of a question.

“That was your personal action, even if you were involved in some matters of the country, it had nothing to do with the department. I understand what you mean. You are saying that if you leave the circle and become a person of the country, will the forces in the circle be unable to do anything to you, and the country will protect you? You are wrong. Unless you have never been involved in the circle in the first place, and then the country can protect you without any reason, but you have already been involved, and… Anyway, it is too late to say anything now.” When the female doctor said this, she had a look of regret and something she wanted to say but couldn’t.

I was convinced that she was holding back something important. Her identity was definitely not what she said it was. Although I didn’t know when I had become involved in the circle, or what I had done to force Jiang Yi to make me “die”, I didn’t ask. From her attitude, she wouldn’t say it, so why should I waste my breath and make myself unhappy?

Thinking about this, I sneered and said, “So then what? I’ll live my life with the reputation of a dead or missing person? Do you think that’s realistic? Is that possible? Or do you think I’ll obediently do as I’m told and be a living dead person?”

“Does it matter what I think? What matters is that since I saved you, I have given you a chance to get out of this predicament. Specifically, you really have to rely on yourselves.” The female doctor sighed.

“Relying on ourselves, okay, if you don’t think you’re joking! Let a few of us who don’t have the protection of our elders fight against a force that even Jiang Yi had to compromise with? Don’t you think that’s funny too?” I was too tired to get angry, and my mouth was full of sneers.

“You don’t have to belittle yourself. A single spark can start a prairie fire. Even a small person can do great things, right? At least you solved the big problem of the Lake of a Thousand Ghosts, didn’t you? To be honest, even if the department could have intervened, it wouldn’t have been that easy to solve. It would have cost an immeasurable number of lives, and the fact that it existed did indeed allow many people in the industry to enter it and never come out again. But you solved it, didn’t you?” The female doctor said this to me.

“Yes, these big problems that ruin the country and the people are solved by little people like us! Then the big shots in the industry come to oppress little people like us. What kind of bullshit industry is this? I spit!” I angrily shouted.

“I can’t argue with you, but things are far more complicated than you think. When you’re still a nobody, you can really do whatever you want. When you reach a certain position, you have to think about the big picture. That’s all I can say, Chen Chengyi. Good luck.” The female doctor said to me.

“What the hell good luck? You want me to break the game myself, and you won’t even tell me how to do it?” I yelled.

She packed her things and said to me, as if talking to herself, “This is the last time I’ll help someone on the surface. Who knows what’s going on behind the scenes? Anyway, my power is very small. If I were in your shoes, I would seek a lot of help. At least I would first meet up with reliable friends. At least they can still move around and know more than I do.”

As she spoke, she quickly packed her things and was about to leave.

“It’s easy to say, but who knows where they are now?” I shouted loudly at her back.

“If I were you, I would really take it easy this month and rest up. A single spark can start a prairie fire, and it’s not something that a small spark can put out. At least be a strong flame. Be patient and at ease. Everything will work out in the end, right?” These were the last words the female doctor left me.

Be patient, be at ease, and everything will work out in the end… My thoughts stopped here, and the cigarette in my hand burned to the end again.

Maybe she was right? I should take advantage of this precious, peaceful month to rest and recuperate. At least I know that my friends are fine, and I can rest assured that I can walk on the surface of the world from her hints. That’s right, I should be at ease, at least I can rest and recuperate, which is also a comfort to them. I can’t just show up in front of them in this half-dead state, can I?

“Brother Chengyi, have some soup.” Just as I was lost in thought, the young man handed me a bowl of medicinal soup. The soup, made with the finest ingredients, actually looked very luxurious.

I took a sip and thought to myself that even a rich young master like Xiao Chengqian couldn’t drink it often. After all, there are some things in it that money can’t buy on the market. Should I hurry up and recover?

While I was drinking the medicine, a tall figure came into the courtyard, carrying a small cloth bag on his back. I looked up and saw it was Mr. Zheng. He was here again. Since I had recovered a little and was feeling better, I should have a good chat with Mr. Zheng.

At least, I should ask him why he was there at that time?