Chapter 168: The Past (Part 2)

I had been thinking that if I didn’t cry, it was because I had become too mature and had forgotten how to cry.

But in fact, when I really did cry, my first reaction was to subconsciously try to hide it, wiping away the tears on my face. When was the last time I cried out loud? Even when I saw Master again, I only silently shed tears. I can’t remember. Was it when I saw the words left by my master in the old forest?

“The wind is so strong, it really blew my eyes out.” I turned my head and whispered, “At times like this, I always feel that expressing my emotions too much is a very cheesy thing to do.

Master didn’t say anything… probably because he knew that I had grown to this age and should have experienced the kind of emotions I was feeling.

“Chengyi, you really must live…” The tears I had shed just then had made the atmosphere suddenly silent. It was only after a long time that my master said these words to me.

“Master, you want me to live… why don’t you say the same thing to yourself? We are cultivators, we should take life, old age, sickness and death lightly… In fact, once Zhuangzi was happy about his wife’s death… because he thought it was natural, a cycle, the way of heaven… Master, according to your view, you have finished your life, and I should even hold a funeral for you funeral, because you, Jiang Lichun, have been upright and righteous in this world for nearly a hundred years, and you have always had some bottom line, and you have always been righteous. This time… is going to a better place. If there is reincarnation in the next life, it will also be a fulfilling life… and maybe, this time, you will be able to escape the suffering of reincarnation. At this point, my voice became a little shaky, completely out of my control… I could only take my master’s pipe and take a deep drag.

But the rich aroma of the tobacco was so spicy when it entered my mouth. As usual, I inhaled too deeply and coughed repeatedly.

“Silly boy… smoking tobacco is different from smoking cigarettes. Damn it, you don’t learn the good ones, you just do these…” Master said, unable to help but slap my head. This is the way we get along best, and even if there are only ten minutes left in life, this way of acting might still be played out.

Habits are a terrible thing. Sometimes they are almost instinctive, and can override all emotions… joy, sadness… At such a sad time, Master and I were still like this, and that was habit.

I really feel like a fool. I was so upset that I couldn’t speak, my voice was trembling, and when my master slapped me like that… I felt relieved.

“Master, you think it should be like this, right? But… forgive me, forgive my selfishness… even if there is reincarnation, it cannot give comfort to people in this life, because all your attachments and emotions are left in this life, what does it have to do with the next life? Master… You want me to live well, and I want you to live well. A few more years is a few more years… You know that we only met, and then we fled all the way… Now, we have settled down in the Snow Mountain, and we have to face a big battle… But, do you know how much I want to go back to the days we had, even if…” I was very emotional when I said this, and I didn’t know if my scattered sentences could clearly express my meaning.

But I was talking to my master, the person who knew me best since I was a child. He must have understood what I was saying. Two wisps of smoke rose from his nostrils, and his expression was indecipherable, whether sad or forcedly calm. He just whispered, “The past is the last thing to be pursued. Those years when we depended on each other… Even if you do that, your state of mind will be different. Why not just keep it in your heart? That’s enough.”

“Master…” I was anxious. I still thought, as I did when I was young, that if the master was willing, nothing could be solved. What I was afraid of was that he had already made up his mind.

Since we are master and apprentice, there is always room for imagination… and the biggest similarity is that we are both too stubborn.

“Chengyi, the Dao follows nature, everything is under the Dao, birth, aging, sickness, and death are all part of the Dao…” Master said to me calmly.

I suddenly stood up excitedly and shouted at my master, “No, I won’t let go!”

I didn’t expect that after so many years in the wilderness… once again I stood in front of my master and shouted out such a sentence. Every time it was a little bit of a headstrong color, a stubbornness that was a headache, an obstinacy that could not be persuaded… but how is this not my true heart?

“Chengyi, if you don’t let go, it will fall from your hands… Why do you have to tear each other apart and leave scars? If you value your feelings, keep them in your heart… It’s fine to keep them in your memories! Sometimes the value of having something is not in your saying that you won’t let go. Don’t you understand?” Seeing me shouting this sentence again, the master was first stunned, then a look of reminiscence appeared on his face, and then he also stood up and calmly faced me, who was agitated.

The wind blew between the two of us again… blowing our clothes fluttering. This was a silent confrontation, and what collided was the stubbornness between the two of us.

But I knew too well that in this, I was relying on nothing but my own feelings and my reluctance… If it comes to right and wrong, what the master said is truly correct.

Gradually, my body grew weak, and I suddenly fell to my knees with my hands supporting me. My master only had one year left, and the news had taken away a huge support in my heart. The exhaustion of never being able to stand up again almost filled my body at that moment.

“Do you think I’m right?” But for such a me, the master did not sympathize. He knew that he had to give me time to digest.

My hands gripped the gravel on the ground tightly, and my fingertips felt a tingling pain. I knew that Master was right, but whether it was right or not and whether I accepted it or not now seemed to have no bearing on anything. My voice was low, and I just asked, “Master, what exactly is going on with my one year of life?”

“It’s simple. Under the suppression of the god in Guidaowan, we should have died long ago… we should have been able to leave our bodies and our souls would have scattered… at the critical moment, your master’s remnant soul gave off some of its power to resist the suppression of the formation, and at the same time forcibly suppressed our souls in our bodies… nurturing our souls so that they would not be erased by the formation… but…” At this point, the master sighed.

“Just what?” I remembered the altar and the mysterious patterns on it. It was said that the patterns were naturally formed by the heavens. I just added a stroke, and almost… Master and the others were suppressed by these patterns, but after they came out, they were fine. Is that so?

My eyes were red, and in an instant, I hated the Kunlun remnant soul, the god, to the extreme… But how could I hate him? He had… been killed by me and sealed into the Tianwen Stone… Just the Tianwen Stone!

I suddenly looked up, and the anger in my chest almost burned me to the point of exhaustion… We finally escaped from Gui Ta Wan, leaving Yang Sheng and the ghost cultivators there to fight, but I don’t know the result… because we don’t have a way to get a result… But I know for sure that Yang Sheng’s strength has increased greatly since he returned…

Could it be… I didn’t know who to hate, but I roared at the top of the mountain, “Yang Sheng!

“Chen Chengyi!” But at this moment, my master suddenly looked at me seriously and roared.

I was startled by my master’s voice, and my whole body, which had been consumed by hatred, suddenly came to its senses… A cold sweat instantly covered my forehead, and my master looked at me and said, “What kind of play are you trying to put on? In front of your master, are you going to be led astray by hatred?”

I looked at my master, and I was also scared… The cold sweat immediately wet my back. Taoists must have a bottom line, and they must be clear about right and wrong, rather than loving and hating in their state of mind… Right and wrong should come before loving and hating, otherwise loving and hating will dominate right and wrong, and that is entering the demon of the heart.

Whether it is love or hate, these emotions should not be allowed to dominate… Otherwise, according to Taoism, it is the state of mind that has gone astray! No matter how much I hate or love someone, it should be based on right and wrong. Behind right and wrong stands cause and effect… Unless I think I understand right and wrong, and can restrain love and hate, and bear the consequences… then I can do what I want.

These three sentences are simple to say, but in reality, once faced with them, they may be a lifelong matter. Just as you accept the life of a dog and let it accompany you, all you have to do is take responsibility for its life…

I thought of a lot of things at once, looking at the master. At this moment, I almost went off the right path, and I was ashamed.

I took a deep breath, sat back down, and said to the master, “Master, I understand. Please continue. I want to know the whole story… and why did Grandma Lingqing…” Yes, this has always been my question. Why was Grandma Lingqing’s situation so special… and the master said that she had more than a year to live.

“On that day, your master’s spirit did its best… He gave me a choice: to use half of his power to break the spell, or to continue to nurture it, but it would only delay the spell for two years, but in comparison, your master’s spirit would use less power.” Master did not directly answer my question, but instead told me about this past event.

“Master… did you choose the second option?” My face suddenly turned pale. I hated myself for going too late.

“Yes… because your master’s remnant soul was the biggest trump card in the final battle, the cause of the great era… Do you know what you will face in the final battle? And your grandmother Ling Qing…” The master sighed lightly at this point.

Then he changed the subject inexplicably, looked at me, and said to me with a somewhat helpless look in his eyes, “Chengyi, do you remember that night? Do you remember the night when we returned to the bamboo forest cottage and I kept watch over you while you soaked in the fragrant hot spring?”