The Art of Friendship: Insights from Confucian Philosophy on Accepting and Rejecting Others

Zi Xia’s students asked Zi Zhang about friendship. Zi Zhang said, “What did Zi Xia say?” They said, “Zi Xia said, ‘If it is possible, then give it to him, and if it is not possible, then reject it.’” Zi Zhang said, “This is different from what I have heard: a gentleman respects the wise and tolerates the multitude, praises the good and pities the incapable. If I am a great man of virtue, why would I not be able to get along with others? If I am not a great man of virtue, why would people reject me?

[Translation] Zi Zhang’s student asked Zi Zhang how to make friends. Zi Zhang said, “What did Zi Xia say?” The student replied, “Zi Xia said, ‘If you can be friends with someone, then you should be friends with him. If you can’t be friends with someone, then you should reject him. Zizhang said, “What I heard is different from this: a gentleman respects the wise and accepts the mediocre; he praises the good and sympathizes with the inadequate. If I am a very wise person, what can I not accept about others? If I am not wise, then people will reject me, so how can I reject others?”

In the realm of Confucian philosophy, the principles of friendship and social interactions are deeply rooted in ethical considerations. A dialogue between Confucian scholars offers profound insights into how we should approach the relationships and interactions we form. This discussion, particularly concerning how to decide whom to befriend or reject, remains relevant in understanding the nuances of interpersonal relationships today.

The Query on Friendship

The dialogue begins with a question from the students of Zi Xia, who sought advice on the principles of making friends. The response they received from Zi Xia was straightforward: “Associate with those who are acceptable; reject those who are not.”

The Simplicity of Zi Xia’s Approach

Zi Xia’s advice appears pragmatic. It suggests a clear criterion for social interaction: align oneself with those who are compatible and avoid those who are not. This approach simplifies the process of forming relationships by categorizing individuals into those who are beneficial to associate with and those who are not.

Practical Considerations: This method provides a straightforward strategy for managing social relationships. It emphasizes practical judgment and personal compatibility in choosing friends and associates.

Confucian Critique: A Deeper Perspective

Zi Zhang’s response critiques this simplistic view. He contrasts it with a broader and more inclusive perspective on friendship and social harmony:

Respect for the Virtuous and Inclusivity: Zi Zhang argues that a true gentleman respects virtuous individuals and accommodates a diverse range of people. He believes that one should celebrate goodness and show empathy towards those who may not meet certain standards of ability or virtue.

Self-Reflection and Humility: Zi Zhang points out that if he is truly virtuous, he should be able to accept and embrace others without exclusion. Conversely, if he falls short in virtue, he must accept rejection from others and should not be in a position to reject others himself.

The Ethical Dimensions of Friendship

Zi Zhang’s critique introduces a deeper ethical dimension to the concept of friendship and social interactions:

Respect and Tolerance

Respect for Virtue: In Confucian thought, respecting and honoring virtuous individuals is a fundamental principle. This respect is not limited to those who are already accomplished but extends to recognizing and nurturing potential in others.

Tolerance and Inclusivity: A true gentleman is characterized by his ability to embrace and accept a wide range of individuals. This includes showing empathy towards those who may not possess the same level of virtue or capability.

The Role of Self-Reflection

Self-Evaluation: Zi Zhang’s perspective encourages individuals to reflect on their own virtues and shortcomings. By doing so, one can better understand their place in social relationships and their capacity to accept or reject others fairly.

Humility and Openness: The idea that if one is truly virtuous, they should be able to accept others reflects a call for humility and openness. It challenges individuals to evaluate their own actions and attitudes towards others critically.

Practical Implications for Modern Social Interactions

Applying these Confucian insights to contemporary social contexts can offer valuable lessons:

Balanced Judgment

Inclusivity Over Exclusivity: Modern social interactions can benefit from adopting a more inclusive approach. While it is important to discern who aligns with one’s values, a balanced judgment that respects and appreciates diverse perspectives fosters more meaningful relationships.

Empathy and Growth

Supporting Others: Emphasizing empathy towards those who may not yet meet certain standards of ability or virtue promotes personal growth and a supportive community. Encouraging others to develop their potential contributes to a more harmonious and constructive social environment.

Ongoing Reflection: Regular self-reflection and a commitment to personal growth help individuals navigate social relationships more effectively. Recognizing and addressing one’s own limitations fosters a more authentic and respectful approach to interacting with others.

Conclusion

The discussion between Zi Xia and Zi Zhang highlights the complexities of forming and maintaining friendships in accordance with Confucian principles. While Zi Xia’s approach provides practical guidance, Zi Zhang’s critique introduces a richer, more inclusive perspective on how to engage with others.

Understanding and applying these principles can lead to more meaningful and harmonious relationships, both personally and within broader social contexts. By balancing practical judgment with ethical considerations, individuals can cultivate relationships that are both fulfilling and respectful of diverse virtues and capabilities.