A Tearful Farewell: The Unspoken Love of a Chinese Maiden
On April 17th of last year, you left me. Today, I recall that sorrowful moment when I forced myself to hold back my tears, lowered my head in feigned composure, and furrowed my brows in shyness. Since then, my heart has been broken, and I can only meet you in my dreams. Who else, apart from the moon, knows of my longing?
This poignant piece, titled “Boudoir Sentiments,” appears in the collection “Cao Tang Shi Yu Bie Ji.” It describes a young woman’s remembrance of parting with her lover and the ensuing longing. The simplicity and sincerity of the words, coupled with their touching sorrow, have made this a widely cherished piece. The first half recalls the parting, while the second half expresses the yearning that follows.
The Pain of Parting
“On April 17th, exactly a year ago today,” she recalls. Using the date in such a straightforward manner is rare in the history of Chinese poetry. It feels as if the words were blurted out, or perhaps a cry from a state of intoxicated remembrance. The phrase “exactly a year ago” vividly conveys the depth of her memory, making it seem as though we can hear her voice. The phrase “when I parted with you” clearly states the reason for her obsession. She was so deeply immersed in longing that she forgot the passage of time, the changing seasons, and her surroundings. It feels as though she has just awoken from a dream, suddenly realizing that a year has passed since their separation, and with it, a year of yearning. This year felt both fast and slow – fast because their parting seemed abrupt and their time together too short; slow because it was filled with countless moments of anguish and concern.
Emotions at the Moment of Farewell
“忍泪佯低面，含羞半敛眉。” (“I held back my tears, feigned lowering my head, and furrowed my brows in shyness.”) “Feign” here implies concealment, not in a pretentious way, but out of genuine emotion. She feared that her lover might see her tears and worry, so she pretended to look down. “Shyness” implies that at the moment of parting, there were a thousand things she wanted to say but could not find the words. These two lines vividly capture the girl’s delicate facial expressions and genuine psychological activities at the moment of farewell, using simple yet powerful imagery.
Yearning After Parting
The phrase “不知魂已断” (“I did not realize my soul was already shattered”) bridges the first and second halves of the poem. The term “soul shattered” is reminiscent of Jiang Yan’s “Farewell Fu,” where he writes, “The only thing that darkens the soul is parting.” This tightly connects to the previous phrase “when I parted with you” and naturally transitions to the next part of the poem, “Only in dreams do I follow you.” This smooth transition is seamless and unnoticeable. The phrase “I did not realize” suggests a deliberate obliviousness, indicating a deeper and more sorrowful awareness. She knew it at the time, knows it now, and has known it for the past year, yet pretends not to know. In reality, all three states are fused into one, indistinguishable and unnecessary to separate. Her lover left, and she could not follow, so she could only follow him in her dreams. The saying “what you think about during the day, you dream about at night” applies here, but her dreams are filled with sorrow. In the absence of other choices, she has no option but to find solace in her dreams, illustrating the depth, bitterness, and helplessness of her longing.
“除了天边的月亮，谁也不知道。” (“Apart from the moon at the horizon, no one knows.”) The moon corresponds with the date “April 17th” mentioned earlier. The phrase “no one knows” reinforces the earlier statement, deepening the sense of sorrow. Her shattered soul and broken dreams cannot dispel the pain of longing, so she can only confide in the moon. This was a common way for ancient people to express their emotions. No one knows, but the moon does; it not only knows but also understands and remembers everything as a witness. In the maiden’s heart, the moon has become her only confidant on earth, a choice born out of utter helplessness, highlighting her loneliness and solitude. However, the moon’s “knowing” is, in fact, non-existent. This reliance on the moon to express her longing only intensifies her yearning, making it deeper and more poignant. The image of a girl tormented by longing, growing more fragile and sorrowful, vividly comes to life, moving readers to tears.
This poem can also be seen as a man’s recollection. Liu Yongji commented in “A Brief Analysis of Tang, Five Dynasties, and Song Lyrics”: “These two pieces (including ‘Nu Guan Zi – Last Night at Midnight’) are lyrics recalling his beloved concubine. The first one reminisces about the farewell, while the second one describes a meeting in a dream.” The explicit mention of “April 17th” indicates the day the concubine was taken away, a day he could never forget. This perspective adds another layer of depth to the poem, showcasing the enduring pain and longing that transcends gender and time.