Chapter 28 It’s not what you think

It was a crazy night. The town, which was lifeless during the day, became inexplicably “vibrant” on such a night. Shops that opened for no reason, and the streets that were unusually noisy… It was like a doomsday carnival.

All kinds of crazy laughter and shouts occasionally came into the small courtyard where we were. With this background, I told Chengxin and Ruyue in detail what I had seen. In return, there was a long silence. No matter how confused things were, the eternal constant in the middle was only human nature. Simply put, everything in this world, whether it is war or as small as family conflicts, is essentially just human nature. Everything is in turmoil…

After seeing and hearing so many things, one’s heart will be filled with a sense of restlessness and powerlessness, wanting to change but not knowing how. But often, one or two bright spots will make one reluctant to give up hope. It’s like a beggar on the street, cold and hungry, desperate, but there will always be one or two warm eyes that look at you with curiosity and compassion, bending down to give you a small bill with respect…

We all have this kind of conflicting feelings, so I understand the silence of Chengxin and Ruyue.

The night wind was very cold, so I took off the black cloak I was wearing. I always felt that it represented a kind of numbness and degradation. The breaths of the three of us all formed a white mist in the air. I suddenly said, “Let’s go for a walk?”

Chengxin smiled, still warm and clear, and said, “That’s good. It’s also a kind of mental experience to see ghosts and goblins.”

Ruyue had already opened the gate to the courtyard. Turning around, her bright eyes were still the same as when she first met me as a child. She turned around and held me and Chengxin by the arm and said, “It feels like an adventure when I was a child, but what’s sad is that it was a dark cemetery underground back then, but now it’s in the world.”

Ruyue’s words made the three of us silent again, but we kept walking and had already left the courtyard and were walking down the alley outside.

The moonlight penetrated the fog and fell on this alley. It was a little remote, but there were actually three or two people in this alley. It looked like they were drunk. One was sitting on the ground, laughing foolishly against the wall, and the other two were leaning on each other’s shoulders, talking in a mumbling voice. In fact, they probably couldn’t hear what the other was saying, but they still seemed to be laughing at something tacitly.

“It seems that at this time, whoever does not show off their happiness will be spurned. This town is crazy.” Passing by these three drunks, Cheng Xin brother adjusted his glasses and whispered.

I put my hands in my pockets and let Ru Yue hold me. I looked up at the faint moon and whispered back to Brother Chengxin, “If you don’t vent like this, if you desperately make yourself laugh and seem happy, how can you hide the pain in your heart? Today, you sent out someone else’s child. Who knows what you will lose tomorrow? For those who have already chosen to degenerate, it is better to forget these things and drink today, so that you will have the courage to live tomorrow.”

“Third brother, so you’re saying that sometimes living is more painful than dying?” As we spoke, we had already walked out of the alley. A turn was equivalent to the main street in the town. During the day, it was obviously desolate, but now the entire main street was brightly lit. The shops on both sides, with their closed doors, had all opened. The street was full of people wandering around, each one acting as if they had forgotten who they were, making a lot of noise and behaving badly… Looking at this scene, Ruyue suddenly asked me.

We were walking along this main street, and every now and then someone would set off a firecracker. I don’t know where they came from, or if they were just there for this occasion. Amidst all the noise, I said to Ru Yue, “Sometimes living is naturally more painful than dying. The red dust of the world is tempering the heart, and next to the word “tempering” is the word “fire.” It is tempering the heart with pain! But do you think these people are alive? People who are afraid to face their pain naturally cannot feel pain, so what is there to temper? All they can feel occasionally is complaining, and then they continue to be numb. Complaining and suffering are different, just like the difference between words and actions in one thing. Do you understand? These people are just walking corpses, numb existences, just existing, not living.

“Hmm.” Kisaragi softly agreed, not speaking again, but her eyes were scanning the shops on both sides.

These shops, most of which are restaurants and gambling dens, are filled with people who are drunk and people whose eyes are red from gambling. They cannot face their pain, or they are willing to degenerate and become numb for some unspeakable benefit. They can only forget in this way. Their smiles are so exaggerated that they are even distorted… as if they are already infinitely happy at this moment.

We walked around the town for about half an hour, as if we had seen every kind of degradation and numbness, in every possible way, even including couples who were intimately close to each other on the street… But the more we saw this, the more we felt a kind of pain.

Chengxin yawned and suddenly his eyes were unfocused. He said to me, “Let’s go back. I’m tired. I don’t want to see anymore.”

“Me too.” Ru Yue was also very tired, and then suddenly whispered, “Third brother, Chengxin, do you think those who send their loved ones out of this town, or those who escape from this town, are brave, or what?”

Neither Chengxin nor I knew the answer, so we fell silent and the three of us walked back to the courtyard, leaning on each other all the way.

When the gate was closed, everything became a little quieter. At the moment the gate was closed, I suddenly felt a sense of relief, as if I had returned from purgatory to the human world.

We didn’t have any extra words to say, we just greeted each other lightly, tidied up a bit and went back to our rooms. I wanted to try to fall asleep peacefully, but I kept tossing and turning. In this state of mild anxiety that kept me awake, I heard the gate to the courtyard being smashed open… the stumbling footsteps, the drunken ramblings…

Later, I heard the continuous crying of the old man Wang in the main house, as well as the occasional muttering, which inexplicably dragged on until dawn…

I don’t know if it was because the town was too ‘happy’ last night, so the next morning it started to drizzle.

There was always a wind… But at least the yellow dust could no longer be seen under the rain. Even so, the sky in this town always had a vague feeling. I looked at it and thought to myself, how can it be so hazy even on rainy days?

As agreed, we set off for the place where Mr. Liu was staying.

Unlike the craziness of the night, the town regained its listless atmosphere during the day. The occasional two or three people had the same tired look after the revelry, and the few small shops that opened lazily looked like a ‘dead town’. But even so, it still gave people a sense of normalcy, as if the people in the town had finally sobered up a bit.

I still didn’t recognize the town’s roads very well. Perhaps it was because I had too many things on my mind, and my usual excellent memory didn’t work at this time. I don’t know what kind of mood I was in, and I didn’t want to ask the people in this town anything.

After all, when I pulled down my cloak last night, many people had already seen my face. It was just that the people in this town were used to keeping a secret from each other, and there was a subtle balance between me and them that could not be said. Why should I ask them anything and make myself unhappy?

Fortunately, I always remember that old apartment building very clearly. After taking a lot of detours, we successfully found the apartment building.

Two old men were waiting for us downstairs. They looked visibly relieved when they saw us.

We walked over to them as if we were already familiar with each other. After greeting them, without any unnecessary chatter, they took us into the building.

Due to the old style of the building and the design problems, the lighting in the building was not very good. Even though it was daytime, it was very dark in the stairwell, and it was even difficult to see the stairs below.

We are young people, so it’s not too bad. I could clearly feel that the two elderly people leading the way were having a hard time walking step by step.

“Why don’t you turn on the lights?”

“Why don’t you live lower?”

Chengxin and Ruyue asked almost at the same time.

Faced with such questions, one of the elderly people was silent, while the other sighed and simply said, “Where’s the electricity to turn on the lights? It’s not safe to live lower.”

A short sentence of ten words or so, but it made me feel inexplicably heavy inside. I could only follow them slowly up the stairs, all the way to the top floor. I saw a barred iron gate that locked the entrance to the stairwell. One of the old men took out a key and opened the iron gate with some trembling hands, and we were able to enter.

It was another simple detail, but I could feel how difficult their lives were!

Behind the iron gate, it was still very dark, but at a corner, we saw the walkway of the tenement building. On both sides of the wall, there were oil lamps hanging, and we finally said goodbye to the darkness.

The walkway is flanked by rooms, all of which have open doors… The old man who opened the door said, “We live here, living like this. Some people have lived here for many years, while others have only been here for a few years. In fact, not all of us are as old as you see us.”

What does he mean? I suddenly looked up at him.

He smiled wryly and said to me, “I’m only in my forties.”