Confucius on Mourning: Why 3 Years of Grief Matters

Zai I asked, “Three years of mourning is a long time. If a gentleman does not perform the rites for three years, the rites will be corrupted; if he does not perform music for three years, the music will be ruined. When the old grain is gone and the new grain has been raised, and the fire has been changed (1), the period (2) may be over. The Master said, “Do you eat rice and wear brocade? Do you feel at ease? Now you are at ease, so do it!” Zaiwo left, and the Master said, ‘I am not kind! A child is born and lives three years before being weaned from its mother’s breast. The three-year mourning period is a universal custom. Do I have three years of love for my parents?’

[Notes] (1) Drill firewood to change the fire: In ancient times, people used to drill wood to get fire. The wood used in the four seasons was different, and it was called changing the fire. (2) Period: The sound is jī, one year. (3) Shífūdào: In ancient times, rice was rarely grown in the north, so it was very precious. Here it means eating good food. (4) Zhǐ: sweet, refers to eating good food.

[Translation] Zǎi wǒ wèn: “Fú sòng sān nián, shíjiān tài yǒng le. Jūnzǐ sān nián bù jiāng zhù lǐyí, lǐyí bìní bàihuà; sān nián bù yányù yīnyuè, yīnyuè jiù huànhuà. Jiù guì kěchī, xīn guì tái chǎng, zhuan suì qǔ huǒ de mù zhū guòle yīcì, yǒu yī nián de shíjiān ji Confucius said, “(After only one year,) you are already eating rice and wearing brocade clothes. Are you at peace with yourself?” Zaiwo said, “I am at peace with myself.” Confucius said, “If you are at peace with yourself, then do it! A gentleman who is in mourning does not find eating delicious or listening to music enjoyable or staying at home comfortable, so he does not do it. Now that you are at peace with yourself, then do it!” After Zaiwo left, Confucius said, “Zaiwo is truly unkind! A child is not able to leave the embrace of his parents until he is three years old. Mourning for three years is a universal custom. Does Zaiwo not love his parents for three years?”

[Commentary] This passage describes a debate between Confucius and his disciple Zaiwo about how long a period of mourning should last. Confucius’ opinion was that after a child was born, it should be in its parents’ arms for three years before leaving them. This was essential. Therefore, he criticized Zaiwo for being “unfilial.” In fact, before Confucius, the Chinese people already had the custom of mourning for their parents for three years. After Confucianism institutionalized this moral issue, it has been passed down to the present day. This is based on the moral concept of “filial piety.”

In ancient China, Confucius’s teachings on mourning and ritual reflect deep insights into cultural values and human emotions. The specific passage from the Analects discussed here explores the significance of the traditional three-year mourning period and the broader implications for maintaining cultural and personal integrity.

The Episode

The passage reads:

Zi Wo asked, “The three-year mourning period seems excessively long. If a gentleman neglects rites for three years, they will surely decay; if music is not performed for three years, it will fall into disuse. When the old grain is exhausted and the new harvest comes in, and when the firewood used for kindling is replaced annually, isn’t it enough to mark the end of mourning after one year?” Confucius replied, “If you are eating fine rice and wearing luxurious silk and are at peace, then continue as you wish. A gentleman, during mourning, does not find joy in good food, pleasure in music, or comfort in his home, so he refrains from such activities. Since you are at peace, you may proceed!” After Zi Wo left, Confucius commented, “Zi Wo is truly unfeeling! A child is not weaned from his parents’ embrace until he is three years old. The three-year mourning period is a universal practice. Does Zi Wo lack the three years of affection for his parents?”

Analysis of Confucius’s Teachings

1. The Importance of Ritual and Mourning

Cultural Significance: In Confucian thought, ritual (li) plays a crucial role in maintaining social order and personal virtue. The three-year mourning period is not merely a personal choice but a deeply ingrained cultural norm. Confucius’s defense of this practice underscores its importance in preserving social harmony and respect for familial bonds.

Emotional Depth: The mourning period is intended to allow individuals to fully process their grief and honor the deceased. Confucius’s emphasis on not finding joy in daily pleasures during mourning reflects a deep respect for the process of grieving and the necessity of allowing oneself and others to fully engage with their emotions.

2. The Role of Personal Comfort in Ritual

Confucius’s Perspective: Confucius’s approach to mourning emphasizes self-discipline and the suppression of personal comfort to adhere to societal norms. He argues that genuine respect for the deceased requires a period of mourning that goes beyond personal convenience or pleasure.

Contrast with Zi Wo: Zi Wo’s view reflects a pragmatic approach, suggesting that after one year, traditional practices can be relaxed. Confucius’s response highlights the tension between practical concerns and the philosophical commitment to ritual integrity.

3. Broader Implications for Cultural Integrity

Maintaining Tradition: Confucius’s insistence on adhering to the three-year mourning period reflects a broader commitment to maintaining cultural traditions. This commitment is seen as essential for preserving social order and personal virtue.

Personal Sacrifice for Greater Good: The discussion emphasizes the value of personal sacrifice for the greater good of upholding societal norms. Confucius’s teachings suggest that individual comfort should not overshadow the importance of cultural and familial responsibilities.

Lessons for Modern Society

Confucius’s teachings on mourning offer valuable insights for contemporary society:

1. The Role of Ritual in Modern Life

Rituals and Traditions: Understanding the significance of rituals in maintaining cultural and personal integrity can help us appreciate the value of traditions in modern life. Rituals provide a framework for processing emotions and preserving cultural heritage.

Balancing Tradition and Practicality: While adhering to traditions, it is also important to find a balance between cultural practices and practical concerns. This balance can help maintain respect for traditions while adapting to changing circumstances.

2. The Importance of Emotional Engagement

Processing Grief: Allowing oneself to fully engage with emotions during significant life events, such as mourning, is crucial for emotional well-being. Confucius’s emphasis on not seeking comfort during mourning highlights the importance of facing and processing grief.

Respect and Integrity: Upholding respect for cultural practices and personal integrity can contribute to a sense of fulfillment and connection with one’s heritage.

3. Reflecting on Personal Values

Commitment to Values: Confucius’s teachings encourage reflection on personal values and the extent to which individuals are willing to sacrifice comfort for the sake of upholding important principles. This reflection can guide decisions and behaviors in various aspects of life.

Confucius’s teachings on the three-year mourning period offer profound insights into the role of ritual and emotional engagement in maintaining cultural integrity. His emphasis on adhering to traditional practices, even at the cost of personal comfort, underscores the importance of honoring familial bonds and cultural values. By reflecting on these teachings, modern readers can gain a deeper appreciation for the significance of rituals and the balance between tradition and practicality in their own lives.