How to Be a True Gentleman: Confucian Insights on Mutual Support and Harmony

Zilu asked, “What is the way to be a worthy person?” The Master said, “To be earnest and sincere (1), and to be happy and contented (2) is to be a worthy person. Friends are earnest and sincere, and brothers are happy and contented.”

[Notes] (1) Sī sī: the sound of encouragement, urging, and sincerity. (2) Yí yí: the sound of harmony, cordiality, and obedience.

[Translation] Zilu asked Confucius, “How can one be called a gentleman?” Confucius said, “If they help and urge each other, and get along harmoniously, they can be called gentlemen. Friends help and urge each other, and brothers get along harmoniously.”

In the realm of Confucian thought, the concept of what defines a true gentleman or scholar is deeply rooted in principles of mutual respect and harmonious relationships. This idea is vividly illustrated in a dialogue from the Analects of Confucius, which offers valuable insights into how one can embody the qualities of a true “士” (gentleman or scholar) in both personal and social interactions.

In one notable passage, Confucius is asked by his disciple Zi Lu about the qualities that characterize a true gentleman. The conversation goes as follows:

Zi Lu asked, “What qualities must one have to be considered a true gentleman?” Confucius replied, “A gentleman is one who is sincere and earnest in their interactions, showing encouragement and support. They also maintain a harmonious and agreeable demeanor. Friends should support and encourage each other, while brothers should interact with kindness and harmony.”

Here, Confucius emphasizes two key aspects that define a true gentleman:

Mutual Support and Encouragement: The term “切切偲偲” (qie qie si si) refers to the earnest and sincere effort to motivate and support one another. For Confucius, being a true gentleman involves actively encouraging those around you, whether they are friends or family. This means being genuinely invested in their well-being and growth, offering support, and providing constructive feedback in a caring manner.

Harmony and Agreeableness: The term “怡怡” (yi yi) highlights the importance of maintaining a harmonious and agreeable disposition. Confucius suggests that a true gentleman is characterized by their ability to interact with others in a pleasant and agreeable manner, fostering a sense of peace and cooperation. This quality is essential not only in friendships but also in familial relationships, where maintaining harmony is crucial for a supportive and nurturing environment.

In summary, Confucian thought presents a vision of the true gentleman as someone who balances earnest support with harmonious interactions. By embodying these qualities, individuals can cultivate meaningful and positive relationships, contributing to a more supportive and harmonious society. This perspective remains relevant today, offering timeless guidance on how to build and maintain respectful and supportive connections in all areas of life.