chapter 75: being a parent

Wan Er took the bowl and went out of the house. Fan Xian looked at Si Si lying on the bed and said gently, “Rest well.”

Si Si had always slept in the outer room of the main bedroom in the back of the Fan Mansion, but today, when the doctor suddenly saw that she was expecting, Liu took the initiative to vacate a few cozy rooms and let her move in.

Fan Xian twisted his head to look at the room’s furnishings, Liu’s secret gratitude, and then looked at Si Si’s slightly white and haggard face, and a little apology, said softly: “It’s my fault, actually became the last one to know.”

At this time, as the head of the family, Fan Xian should show a gentle side, a joyful side, and say some good words that would make the pregnant woman’s heart quiet and calm, but after only a few sentences, he choked, looking stupidly at Si Si’s face, unable to speak for a long time.

After a period of silence, Si Si’s eyes were slightly red, biting her lip, she said, “Young master, I can see that you are not happy.”

“How so?” Fan Xian blustered and said with a bitter smile, “It’s mainly because it was so sudden, I wasn’t prepared at all.”

He took the girl’s hand and slowly squeezed it, smiling as he said, “In my heart, you’re still that big girl who always stands by my side to grind ink and add fragrance, and I always felt that it hadn’t been long since we left Tanyuzhou and it hadn’t been long since …… you were actually about to become a child’s mother.”

“It’s been three years since we left Tanyuu, my confused young master.”

Si Si broke into a smile and half leaned on the bed, looking at him with tender eyes; whether it was from living with her peers in Jiangnan or after she was officially initiated in Tanyu, she still habitually called Fan Xian her young master without changing her call.

“Even if I turn into an old man, I’m only still not mentally prepared.” Fan Xian patted her hand compassionately and said, “Things like being a father are indeed a bit scary.”

“Young master can …… do everything Besides, this child bearing is a woman’s thing.”

“Can do everything? Giving birth to a child is a woman’s thing, but teaching a child is a man’s thing …… To raise a child to adulthood is much more difficult than writing poems and killing people.”

Fan Xian laughed to himself, reaching into the quilt and carefully caressing Si Si’s slightly bulging belly, unable to resist blaming himself, “Earlier father said it’s already been four months …… How come you didn’t say anything to me …… Even if you’re shy, you have to give the Young Granny a word.”

Si Si felt the palm of that hand moving on her abdomen, her cheeks slightly red, pulled the quilt under her neck and said in slight fear, “I’m afraid …… I’m afraid it’s fake.”

“There’s nothing real or fake about carrying a child.” Fan Xian closed his eyes and felt the undulation under his palm, his heart gave birth to some extremely complicated emotions, joy, fear, slightly sour …… that the abdomen was his own child?

He really can’t accept the fact that he is going to be a father for a while, the fear is even more than the joy, but at this time, the mind is clear, not to show in front of the Si Si, or the first-time mother of the Si Si will hate him to death.

Fan Xian scratched his head with a headache and said, “What should I do now?”

Si Si couldn’t help but let out a giggle, “Young master, of course you should eat and sleep, you can’t let you watch over me every day just because I’m pregnant.”

Fan Xian suddenly reached out and gently wrenched over Si Si’s wrist, resting his fingers on it, closing his eyes and inclining his head to listen carefully to the pulse.

At this moment, Wan’er walked in, and when she saw her husband checking Si Si’s pulse, she opened her big eyes and asked curiously, “Is it a boy or a girl?”

Fan Xian slowly moved his finger away and said with a smile, “It’s not that easy to tell, do you think my finger is an ultrasound?”

“Must fuck?” Wan Er and Si Si frowned at the same time as they listened to this fresh term, puzzled.

Fan Xian coughed twice, and instructed Si Si about the things to pay attention to on a daily basis, especially not catching a cold, then he walked to the door, and called the daughter-in-law of the Vine family over, and gave some detailed instructions, the subordinates and servants and such should of course look for the healthy ones, and as for the diet, don’t go all out with the big fishes and meats, and just pick the nutritious dishes and order a few of them.

“Is there goat’s milk in the manor?”

The Fuji family’s daughter-in-law nodded excitedly, Si Si’s belly was pregnant with the Fan family’s first grandchild, so there was no way for these underlings not to be excited.

Receiving an affirmative answer, Fan Xian said, “One bowl a day, make sure to boil it.”

Inside the house Si Si snuggled up next to Wan Er and said sadly, “I don’t like goat’s milk.”

Lin Wan Er thought about it, when she was curing her lung disease, she was also forced to drink goat’s milk every day by Fan Xian, that kind of stench was unbearable, she couldn’t help but smile at the doorway and said, “Is this goat’s milk not an elixir?”

Fan Xian turned around and laughed: “Although it’s not an elixir, but it’s really a very good thing, only the stink is a bit heavy. Si Si you have to endure it and insist on drinking it.”

Lin Wan Er suddenly thought of the method that Si Qi thought of at that time, and said happily: “Let Si Qi do this, I don’t know if she put almonds or jasmine tea, a light astringent flavor, but it dispels the stink.”

When she heard that Siqi would be serving her own food and drink, Si Si, who was leaning on the bed, was very uneasy. She was originally a big maid with the same status as Siqi, but now that she was pregnant with a child, her treatment was suddenly raised by so much that she really didn’t dare to take it on for fear of having the whole house gossiping about her, and subconsciously wanted to say no. Fan Xian waved his hand and said, “I don’t know if she put almond or jasmine tea in it, but it cleared up the smell.

Fan Xian waved his hand and said, “There aren’t that many false rituals in this backyard, when you were a maid, the master didn’t still have to give you a back pounding …… so that Siqi could work hard, I just don’t know if it’s possible to make it work.”

Si Si’s face red, but found a flash outside the door to reveal the four qi maid that smug face, that girl said with a smile, “This method of course, when the young lady’s daily goat’s milk I get, as long as the gauze to the dregs of the tea filtered on the good.”

Wan’er laughed and glared at her, “See how complacent you’ve become.”

Si Si insisted on calling Fan Xian young master, Si Qi insisted on calling Miss Wan Er, this pair of male and female masters in the house, plus these two big maids, were really a bit strange in terms of address. Probably only a man like Fan Xian who had experience in his previous life would be so unconcerned about the so-called name thing, and it was a good thing that these three girlies were able to match his footsteps, a point of great goodness.

“Normally, you need to get more sunlight, don’t believe in those stabilizers’ bullshit, if you don’t blow the wind and smother the house, you’ll die of suffocation.” Fan Xian suddenly thought of a pile of things, very serious to the Fuji big family daughter-in-law and Wan’er said, knowing that if Liu’s suddenly antiquated, only these two people can help Si Si some words.

“Blah blah blah ……,” said the daughter-in-law of the Vine family as she hurriedly spat twice and said, “Today’s big day, how can I say that word.”

Fan Xian lazily ignored her and said to himself, “Vegetables and fruits have to be guaranteed, this is something that can’t be missing.” Turning back to Si Si, he said, “When you can’t eat, you also have to eat …… some small food, you let the maids do it.”

“Got it got it.” The daughter-in-law of the Tou family was thick-skinned and blocked Fan Xian’s mouth by saying, “In the end, it’s the first one, and there will be a hundred children and a thousand grandchildren in the future, so if the young master is so nervous and nagging, he won’t be able to torment us subordinates to death.”

Fan Xian comforted Si Si a few more times, told her a few jokes to relax her nervousness, and carried Wan Er’s small hand out of the house. The two of them in the back garden casually stroll, along the way will see a few of the mansion is quite capable of subordinates hurriedly come, see them hurriedly bow respectfully, just look occasionally revealed a trace of embarrassment.

“What is this going to do?” Fan Xian asked with a frown.

Wan Er laughed and said, “These are all going to congratulate Si Si, and seeing me …… will of course feel a little awkward.”

“Embarrassed about what?” Fan Xian was not so obtuse to such an extent, he was just worried that Wan Er really had a knot in her heart, so he deliberately asked.

Wan’er glared at him and leaned her head on his shoulder, saying softly, “What do you think?”

Fan Xian patted her fleshy cheeks and asked with a smile, “So are you really happy or fake happy?”

Wan’er’s childish face, which had yet to fully shed its childishness, was permeated with a housewife’s composure, still with those three words, “What do you think?”

“Am I really nervous?” Fan Xian held Wan Er’s hand and walked to a rockery next to the stone bench and sat down, Wan Er will be held in his lap, this is quiet, there are no underlings passing by, Wan Er slightly shy and also let him go.

“Also not carefully iced.”

Wan Er complained a sentence, suddenly thought of the sentence he asked, after thinking for a moment to raise his head, with the pair of watery eyes gazing at him, after a long time seriously said: “This is what I want to ask you, why does it look like you’re not very happy, and …… seems to be a little bit of nervousness and fear. …… What are you worried about? Is it really worried about my feelings? You should know that I’m not that kind of person.”

Fan Xian shook his head, smiled and tightened the arms holding her, and said after a long time of deliberation, “I don’t know, perhaps it’s true that there’s no preparation for the mind of a father.”

“To what preparations?” Wan Er has long been accustomed to the husband’s habits of thought that are not very similar to those of men in this world, and asked curiously.

“For example …… can you yourself create a good environment for the next generation to grow up in?”

Wan Er smiled and said, “Don’t think about overly long term issues first, I’m more curious about whether it’s a boy or a girl in Si Si’s belly?”

“Wasn’t it said earlier ……”

“Well, you can’t surely fuck it up.”

“Must fuck is a clever word to use.”

“So do you prefer boys or girls?”

“Girls.” Fan Xian said decisively.

Lin Wan’er looked at him somewhat puzzled, and after a long time, as if she understood something, she sighed and said, “No wonder you weren’t very happy …… when you found out that you had a child, I think you felt that Si Si was no longer a girl.”

Fan Xian was greatly perplexed and asked in a daze, “Why do you think so?”

“Girls are pearls, and so have a child, gradually old to become fish eye beads, and you …… are like pearls, even if you do not play, look good.” Lin Wan’er smiled and said, “This is what you yourself once wrote, don’t deny it.”

Fan Xian smiled to himself, this is Cao Gong’s opinion, although it is somewhat similar to his own …… but this is not the real reason why he still can’t rejoice when he learns that he will have offspring.

“But even if I have to turn into a fish eyeball, I still want to have children for you.” Lin Wan’er stared at him in a daze, gently biting her lower lip and saying softly but forcefully.

Fan Xian smiled and nodded, and suddenly said with a straight face, “I know that there are some rather strange rules in this world, such as children born to side chambers having to call the main chamber their mother, and even some who were raised by the main chamber from a young age while rarely seeing their own biological mother’s face.”

Lin Wan Er looked at him and frowned slightly, vaguely guessing what he was going to say.

“Although this is true of all the great families in the world.” Fan Xian looked at her seriously, “But let’s not be like this.”

It wasn’t a request, it wasn’t a demand, it was a knowledge that could not be refused, it was a don’t.

Fan Xian hadn’t wanted to say such serious words at a time like this to disturb Wan Er’s already difficult to suppress sour mood, but in his previous life, when he watched the Great Mansion in his hospital room, he was truly frightened by the asshole middle-aged fish-eyed man played by Sister Gao Wa.

Lin Wan Er nodded, a flash of sadness in her eyes, and slowly said, “I understand what you mean.”

“Don’t be sad.” After Fan Xian was silent for a moment, he spread his face and smiled, “You’ve seen all the improvements I’ve made to that medicine in Hangzhou in these half a year, and the most crucial thing is …… that Mr. Fei is coming tomorrow, and since he dares to come to see us, he naturally has something good for us.”

The delicate body in his arms suddenly shook, Lin Wan’er looked at his eyes incredulously and said in surprise, “Is it true?”

Although this news made Wan Er happy, Fan Xian knew that his words that left no room for doubt still hurt the other party’s heart, it was only for the sake of Si Si and the child in Si Si’s womb that he had to say the words up front. At this moment, he gently sighed, one is in the heart really need to sigh out of boredom, secondly, in his previous life, Mr. Jin once in the Luding Ji let Xiaobao played this trick, against the girls never fail to try.

As expected, Wan Er saw his heavy face and immediately waved away the little sulk in her own heart and asked with concern, “What’s wrong?”

“As you could see earlier, I wasn’t very happy after learning of Si Si’s joyful news …… instead I was a little scared …… ” Fan Xian lowered his head, as if trying to find inner support and comfort.

“There are actually several reasons.”

The first reason was naturally the fear that Wan Er would be saddened by the scene, a reason that had been faintly mentioned earlier. As for the second reason it was actually quite simple.

“I am a fatherless man.” Fan Xian smiled and said, “Although there are fathers, even two fathers, but when I was in Tanyu, I didn’t have any of them, and the real one, it seems, has never been my father.”

It was a very awkward sentence, but Wan Er understood it, and glanced around somewhat warily to make sure it wouldn’t fall on anyone else’s ears.

“Father he has been extremely kind to me, but you understand, it is not the same thing after all. And as for that …… person in the palace since Tanyuzhou came to the capital, I am the one who sees him as white and sees him through, even your crown prince brother and second imperial brother are driven like donkeys, not to mention me, this illegitimate son.”

“I am a man without a father.” Fan Xian repeated in an aggravated tone, “That’s why I was so afraid that I wouldn’t be a father, hence my first reaction earlier was trepidation.”

Fan Xian didn’t have parents in his previous life, and he didn’t have parents in this life either, and even worse, in his previous life, it was the heavens that were too much of a no-no, and in this life, it was his parents that were too much of a no-no – yes, deep down, he had always believed that his mother had done a very poor job of educating her children in this part of the world as well, and it saddened him a great deal.

Both of his lifetimes growing up had been lacking in this area, bringing a great shadow to his psyche, and in past days, he might not have noticed it, but today’s joyous news from the Fan House completely reflected his dark side, and he subconsciously refused to admit that he was going to become a father.

Lin Wan’er looked at him with pity.

“My mother doesn’t love me either.” Fan Xian said somewhat woodenly, “Maybe you don t believe it, but …… she really doesn t love me.”

Unable to love, or not? The world always thinks that Ye Qingmei is Fan Xian’s mother, but only he himself knows clearly, after being reborn into this world, he has only curiosity and an inexplicable emotion for that distant woman, only as he gradually grows up, the people around him keep talking about the woman who used to be glorious, the things around him keep talking about the woman’s past, and the traces around him keep reminding Fan Xian of that woman’s The traces around him kept reminding Fan Xian of the woman’s existence.

Over time, Fan Xian, who had not received motherly love in his previous life, finally got used to this, and began to gradually accept that his mother was Ye Qingmei, and began to attach himself to this name – the lonely souls of the two travelers perhaps interconnected because of the strongest bond of all, that of mother and son.

He admitted this and said it himself in that cave in the western mountains of Northern Qi, in front of Sean.

But Fan Xian, who had read the letter in the box and knew much of the story of those days, had to tell himself that Ye Qingmei did not love himself, not in the sense of being an otherworldly soul, but that he did not have much love for this son in the flesh either. He had inherited Ye Qingmei’s inner treasury of the Supervisory Court, Qingyu Hall, the connections from back then, and close comrades in arms. But these weren’t what she had deliberately left him, and so what if they had been left to him?

“My mother did not love me.” Fan Xian said calmly, “Otherwise she wouldn’t have left me alone.”

Lin Wan’er wanted to comfort him who was a bit lost in thought, but she didn’t know how to start. What kind of glorious figure that long-deceased mother-in-law was, she, who had grown up in the palace since she was a child, of course knew it well.

“It’s not just because of this.” Fan Xian frowned at the thought, and when that box was opened, he was a little disappointed that the letter was left for Uncle Wuzhu and not for himself, especially because of the contents of the letter.

“She called me an asshole son.” He smiled, “And she didn’t leave me just a word …… just like that.”

“This aloofness, this calmness, seems a bit cool to the point of absurdity.” Fan Xian frowned as he thought about his own romantic life, always feeling that perhaps his birth was originally a very absurd thing.

He continued to speak, but Wan Er listened with some chills.

“She didn’t tell me how to survive in such a dangerous world. She didn’t tell me who exactly is trustworthy. She didn’t tell me how a meal should be eaten and how a wife should be loved.”

Fan Xian laughed, “Isn’t it a bastard that she has great love for the people of the world, but has little concern for her own children? Probably only a mother who is such an asshole would give birth to a son who is such an asshole like me.”

After saying this, Fan Xian coughed softly. Lin Wan’er got off his lap and pounded his back one by one.

Fan Xian waved his hand and laughed, “That was close, thankfully there’s still father ……” He pointed in the direction of the front mansion and added, “There’s also grandma, and those two weird old men, or else I really don’t know what I’ll become in this life. ”

Fan Xian had always been a very self-possessed and cautious person, and didn’t spend much time lamenting like he did today. Lin Wan’er had been unable to interject, and seeing that he was gradually breaking away from a single hurtful sigh, she simply smiled and looked at him, listening to his one-person inner monologue.

“Listen to me sing a song.” Fan Xian suddenly said very seriously.

Lin Wan’er nodded, somewhat curious as to what kind of slang song a big man would sing.

Fan Xian opened his lips and sang, his voice was clear and bright with three points of sourness, his voice was not good, but this tune was exceptionally long and sad, and in the midst of the long and sad, there were three points of expectation, like a child under the eaves after the rain, supporting his jaws in anticipation of his mother’s return, like a little white cloth person under the eaves being blown by the rain and fluttering, muddy and unsteady, only being held by the thread, indescribably sad, but looking into the distance.

The song ended.

“What does it mean?”

Fan Xian was singing a text that Lin Wan’er had not heard before, and the byte pronunciation was a bit strange.

“The general meaning of the lyrics is simple. It’s probably ……

How are you, mother-sama?

Yesterday I was on the branch of a cedar tree

Saw a bright star

The star was gazing at me.

It was as gentle as a mother.

I said to the star.

“You must be able to withstand setbacks.

You’re a boy.

If you feel lonely

I’ll come and talk to you.

Someday, maybe.

That’s it, then.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Mother.

Ichijou.

Ichijou.

How are you, Mother?

Yesterday, the kitten in the temple was taken away.

was taken away by the people of the neighboring village.

The kitten cried and hugged its mother.

I told you.

Don’t cry.

You won’t be lonely.

You’re a boy, aren’t you?

You’ll see your mom again.

One day, for sure.

That’s it, then.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Mother.

Ichijou.

Yixiu.”

Fan Xian smiled as he looked at Wan Er, whose eyes were already red, and said, “It’s nice, isn’t it?”

“Uh-huh.” Wan Er gave a hmmm through her nose and asked, “Yihu is the child who wrote the letter? So pitiful.”

“Yeah. A poor little child who is extremely intelligent, but cannot live with his own mother.” Fan Xian smiled and said, “It’s very similar to me …… except that he can still have an address to mail a letter to when he writes one, but where do I send a letter to when I write one?”

“What is the name of this song?”

“Mother Superior.”

In the midst of the quiet bedroom, by means of the faint slice of heavenly light spilling through the window, Fan Xian took out the key and gently opened the outermost layer of the long black chest, then pressed it a few times with a steady finger, and suddenly began to miss Uncle Wuzhu.

Slowly taking out the metal implement on top and the thin letter, Fan Xian did not look at it more than once, as he was already too familiar with the contents of that letter.

He only fixed his gaze on the note on top of the third layer, the one that seemed to be about to be blown away by the wind at any moment, and on top of the note was Ye Qingmei’s straight and angular handwriting.

“Hey! If it’s Five Bamboos then …… be honest, who are you?”

Fan Xian, as he had done on that rainy night, moved his lips slightly and said, “I am your son.”

“How did you open this box?”

“Guess it’s either my daughter or my son. Look at what’s underneath when you’ve screwed up a man’s life. Remember!”

He opened the third layer and took out the item from it, read the text on it twice, and then couldn’t help but laugh bitterly, saying to himself, “It’s really an abortion pill, I say mom …… can you be a little creative in your spoofing?”

He was silent in the room for a long time, then looked up and said earnestly with a confident smile at the box, “Mom, I messed with people’s lives, but I’m not going to use this stuff. You always used to do everything as a joke, so in the end you left me ridiculously, and unlike me, I will try my best to live in this world. As for my daughter or son …… please believe me, I will take good care of him …… at least, it will be better than you do.”